cite as: F. Bi. 2009. Internet Goracularities: Deus Reginam salvet. Intl. J. Inact., 2:56–62
And in response, thus spake the Goracle:
No kidding? Christopher Monckton thinks of debates as pugilistic duels? Is his mind stuck in the Middle Ages or something? If you ask me, it’s probably not a good idea for one to liken what he’s doing to an activity that’s now generally frowned upon.
Anyway… speaking as the omniscient Goracle, I’m quite certain Kerry won’t take up the offer. But as the Goracle, I thought it’ll also be interesting to speculate what might have happened if he did. Let’s see.
* * *
[A chapel. Enter Viscount Christopher Monckton in knight’s armour. He kneels down before a statue of Jesus Christ.]
Monckton: Domine maxime, mihi da potestatem omnes librvles delere. Great Lord, please give me the power to destroy all liberals. Amen.
* * *
[On board a private jet. Monckton is wearing his knight’s armour, while Senator John Kerry is clad in samurai garb. Seated between them is Russ Limboa, the moderator of the debate. There is also the filming crew, as well as a small audience on board holding signs saying “I am John Galt!”, “Liberals hate America”, etc.]
Limboa: Ladies and gentlemen, today we’re pleased to bring to you the much-anticipated Great Climate Change Debate. The topic for this debate is, “‘global warming’ is not a global crisis”. On my left, we have the renowned global warming skeptic — the Viscount Monckton of Brenchley! [audience applauds]
Monckton: Magna est veritas, et prævalet. Deus Reginam salvet! [brandishes sword]
Limboa: And on my right, a believer of Al Gore’s theory of catastrophic man-made global warming — United States Senator John Kerry! [audience applauds]
Kerry: Thank you. Thank you.
Limboa: Before we start the debate, I’d like to ask the Senator a few questions, which I’m sure the audience would also like to know about. Senator, why did you choose this unusual venue — Al Gore’s private jet — for this debate?
Kerry: Well, we did consider a few choices of venue:
- in one of the nightclubs owned by the Ministry of Sound;
- somewhere atop the Wilkins Ice Shelf; or
- a place with lots of grackles around.
Eventually, we decided on Gore’s private jet, because it’s a common trope among global warming deniers that Al Gore travels around the world in a private jet, even though Al Gore does not own a private jet. So I informed Lord Monckton that, if he could locate this legendary jet, then we can hold our debate in it. To my surprise, he did locate it — and I eventually had to utilize the technique of meditation in order to come here.
Limboa: Interesting. In that case, may I enquire Your Lordship on how you found this jet?
Monckton: Truth be told, it’s quite simple — once you overcome the liberal bias of political correctness.
Limboa: Thank you. Now, let’s get to the debate proper. We’ll start with Senator Kerry making the opening statement. Senator, please. [audience applauds]
Kerry: Thank you everyone. To borrow Lord Monckton’s words: “I can’t wait to hear what I have to say.” [laughter] To begin, I’d like to say something about the origin of the English word “debate”; it’s derived from —
Limboa: Um, Senator, please adhere to the topic of global warming.
Kerry: — yes, Russ, I’m getting to that. The word “debate” is derived from the Latin word “battuere“, which means something along the lines of ‘to beat the crap out of the other guy’. Me, I don’t think the issues of global warming and climate regulation should be settled by whacking people, but Lord Monckton insisted, so…
Still, I still hope that this ‘debate’ will end up being more like an amicable discussion, and therefore I’ve brought with me this bottle of fine wine [takes out a bottle of wine and a glass, pours wine into glass], which I now offer to His Lordship as a token to signify this intention.
Monckton: Thank you, that’s very gracious of you, Senator. [starts drinking the wine]
Kerry: Oh, I forgot to mention: the wine has been laced with DDT.
Monckton: What?!? [drops glass, hurriedly spits out wine, rinses mouth with plain water]
Kerry: Nothing to worry about, Your Lordship. You said DDT use shouldn’t be restricted, and we’ve carefully calibrated the DDT amount to correspond to the concentration that’ll result if it’s sprayed indiscriminately.
Monckton: [visibly shaken] Stop — stop — stop — stop the cameras! This debate’s postponed!
* * *
Uh-oh. No discussion of global warming yet. Unfortunately I must stop here for now, because I have a date with Naomi. Meanwhile…
…you owe the Goracle a pair of duelling Staffs of Zot.