cite as: F. Bi. 2008. The secret history of El Reg’s Arctic ice kerfuffle. Intl. J. Inact., 1:138–139
We now return you to our irregularly scheduled ramblings on global warming inactivism.
Recently, Steven Goddard writing for The Register backed off his earlier claim that the Arctic ice data from the National Snow and Ice Data Center (NSIDC) were erroneous and that there was no massive loss of ice. However, there are still unanswered doubts over the NSIDC data, and diagrams from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (UIUC), which Goddard now claim to be correct.
So what really happened that led Goddard to issue his retraction? After a few minutes of painstaking research, peer review, and ponies, we at the International Journal of Inactivism have uncovered the True Story behind Goddard’s renouncement! Here it is.
* * *
When Steven Goddard came to, he found himself in a dark, unfamiliar room, tied to a pole. Standing before him was his girlfriend of three months, Catie, wearing a sexy spy outfit. He then remembered that he and Catie had been in bed together just a while ago — in his own house.
“Ah, Steve.” said Catie. “You’re awake.”
“What’s going on? Why am I here? Why am I tied up? Who are you?”
“She’s an agent,” a voice answered from outside the room. The door opened to reveal a man in military uniform, flanked by monks and nuns chanting “Climatatus — optimus — maximus. Climatatus — optimus — maximus. Climatatus — optimus — maximus. …” The General and acolytes walked into the room in a neat procession.
“We’ve been assigned the glorious task of resurrecting the Great Soviet Union,” the General said to Goddard, “and neutralizing all the counter-revolutionary forces that dare to stand in our way. Surrender now and come to our side, dear comrade!”
“You are… James Hansen…” Goddard stammered.
“That‘s just my cover; my real name, if there’s a real name, is Yuri Sergeyevich Zamenov. We see that you claimed in The Register that the NSIDC’s Arctic ice data are erroneous. We’re reasonable people; right now you only need to tell us how we can issue a recantation of your claim — a recantation in your name.”
“Over my dead body, you stinking traitors! Kill me if you dare!”
“Ah, spoken like a true soldier. Very well.” Hansen opened an envelope to retrieve a wallet — which Goddard recognized as his own — and a lighter. He took out a wad of notes from the wallet, lit the lighter and started holding the flame close to the bills.
“No! No! Please…!” Goddard struggled frantically, to no avail. “OK, OK! I’ll tell you! I’ll do as you say!”
* * *
So there you are: the secret history of the Arctic ice kerfuffle. Prove this story wrong.